Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”

[12 hours without eating]

Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry

*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water

Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?

netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever

Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?

A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.

Everyone else in the bar leaves.

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.

Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.

“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me

I’ve been yelling for years.

Now I’m convinced.

I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.

“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”

Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree

I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

79.

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

this is the best day of my life

Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

philosophical skeletons be like

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!