Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
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If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
