Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it ππππ
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[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Youβre not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that theyβre not one of the children in your class and you canβt speak to them like that.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Thereβs really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
For todayβs Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
Sheβs willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack oβ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:β¦.ok. And weaknesses?
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
Overheard in hair salon: βI have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.β
This is why I canβt stand people.
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. Iβm in morning.
women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog