Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
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me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
sigh
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]