Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
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Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Here to help
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”