Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
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“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
Anyone really
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I’ve been reading a book about Orville and Wilbur Wright but, frankly, I’m not that impressed. The author is speculating as to why the brothers never got married. Of course they never got married, they were brothers? Idiot
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
The next person to ring the doorbell on a Saturday trying to sell something will be subjected to my 6yo’s full lecture on lizards, and let me warn you, it’s long
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.