Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?

Because I didn’t.

Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.

Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.

Me: whoa look at the size of that spider!

Hostess: want me to get you a tissue for it?

Me: why…did it sneeze?

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.

idea for a movie:

a bear who is a parent

captures a psychotherapist

to cook as dinner for the cubs

and the movie is called

(and i’m very very sorry)

“kids, i honeyed the shrink”

My birthstone is pecan pie.

Remember when double entry was an accounting term?

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once

I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?

I heard recently that many people hate it when you tell them they are in your thoughts & prayers during times of difficulty.

I don’t want to be insensitive to anyone’s feelings. So from now on, I’ll just say “sucks to be you.”

Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.

H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son

Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks

I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.

4-year-old: That chicken is weird

Me: What chicken?

4-year-old: That chicken

Me: That’s a whooping crane

4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken

No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.

“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”

– IT Department as marriage counselors

*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*

Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?

Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]

CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window

Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood

My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.

I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day