Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or

Suez Canal: what the hell?

container ship: PARKOUR!

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

This checks out

Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!

After kids: Oh.

Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?

My Husband: Raising three kids

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend

A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.

early stone age tool

Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.

When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.

*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th

Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!

Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.

I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage

I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.

Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.