Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The saddest part of nuking my old account is losing a thread I live tweeted on a flight during which the couple next to me got in a fight over the guy wanting to wear shorts to a wedding. It was the only time I’ve paid for wifi on a plane bc it turned out the wedding was THEIRS.

Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.

Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.

What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.

got a pretty bad nosebleed at work and everyone was like “omggg are you okay” and i was treated like a princess and then half an hour later my coworker one upped me by having a seizure lol

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances

No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs

Friends with no kids are like:

Want to go to New Zealand this Friday?

me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around

child (pukes up Easter candy):

me: ok that’s it!

I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.

*On a 1st date*

Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you 😉

Them: We’re having a picnic

Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said

Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.

friend: wanna see a magic trick

person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you

cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it

dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

What do you call someone who chews all day?

A train

Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”

I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers

The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.

Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.

If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.

customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any

me: that’s how good they are

customer: the cage door is open

me: *looking around nervously* oh no

You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”