Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*

Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.

WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.

ME: I know.

*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*

People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

first world problems

I could really use hands-free web browsing.

Wait for it! 🤣👏😝

Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.

His answer was white. With a question mark.

I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.

Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?

Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being

Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-

Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters

Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)

i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins

On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.