tfw you realize …
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My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
Aaaa…CHOO!
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
-Ordering a pizza $40
-Having it delivered $5
-Having your kids eat the whole thing before you get home
Sliceless
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
Neighbour said, “Stop using our hot tub while we’re not home!” So I only use it at night while they’re sleeping.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.