tfw you realize …
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You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
good morning to everyone except those who can whistle with their fingers.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…