tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
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It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf