tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
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betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
its raining men! hallelu..*thud* omg are you ok? *thud* oh sweet jesus! *thud* *thud* oh the horror! *thud* WHY GOD? WHYYYY??
Her: You’re so quiet.
Me: Thanks, you should try it.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
mercury is no longer in retrograde so never trust a cow bc the sun can’t swim.
Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters