tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
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Me: What’s the opposite of squaring a number?
My teen: Circling?
Ask a stupid math question
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish
CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I fixed it. For me
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
I had to update my driver’s license photo at the DMV and I complained that I looked terrible in it and the guy said, “Lady, that’s literally exactly what you look like” and now my day is ruined.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”