Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.

“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.

My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.

Daughter: He found a garter snake

Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-

Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt

Mom: Damn it

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.

I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.

kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times

Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.

I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.

Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.

I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.

Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.

🫠

Until my 30s I ate the whole Apple, core and all. When people looked surprised, I told them it was healthy; the ‘whole food’. Then my Mum admitted she’d taught me that so I didn’t leave rotting apple cores in the back seat of the car.

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?

Show your work.

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*

No babe, they’re not short jorts, they’re junderwear.

I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.

My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.

[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.

met a woman tonight and I overheard her say she’s a nurse and I was like omg you’re a nurse! I just started ER I love it! And she was like oh that’s awesome I’m ICU! How’s the ER? and then I had to explain I was simply excited to meet a nurse bc I am watching the tv show ER

[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*

[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*

What do you call a group of musical killer whales?

An orca-stra.

#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.