tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.
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“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
I don’t hate you, but I hope you run out of hot water before you’re finished your shower
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
*sewing*
A thread
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.