tfw you’re yelling at the tv and the contestant finally comes up with the same answer as you’ve been yelling, and it’s wrong.
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Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
🖕🏻👽
A Monday every week is excessive
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…