“TGIM!” – My liver
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him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…
My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
No mister movie ticket guy that’s not a bag of cheetos in my jacket that’s my enlarged heart for the love of cinema
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
the devil works hard but the single multivitamin i take after making unhealthy choices for weeks works harder
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
[after a vasectomy] do i get the cone
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭