Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.

Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull

Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.

Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard

I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

58.

a carton of eggs that cost $6.66 call ‘em deviled eggs.

I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.

me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work

captor: i don’t care

me: they get paid under the stable

captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma

I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.

[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam

I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat

I don’t understand why my husband has to pay for a UFC fight when he could just throw one piece of candy on the floor in front of our three kids.

When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”

I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him

Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.

Woman delivering my pizza:

[at a bar]
*sees hot chick check me out*
*writes note on napkin and asks bartender to give to her*
*she reads note*
“STOP STARING IT’S RUDE”

me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.

executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?

Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.

murderer: I’m going to bury you alive

me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?

me: do you have these but in the pretzel version

pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank