Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Start calling divorces “incidents”

Level up on that intrigue

In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.

when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour

19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’

Me: ‘It’s fine.’

Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

*showing my kids bobsledding clips*

My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.

Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*

me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack

Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs

Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome

I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.

My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no

Should have let Marvel produce 2020.

If wrestling is “fake” then explain this

[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*

We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.

DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…

Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier

7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?

marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does

Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword

ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.

JINN: Done.

[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]

JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.

ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.

Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.