Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.

me: how can I impress your dad?

gf: he’s really into cars

me: ok

[later]
her dad: nice to meet you

me: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie

god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again

I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.

Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]

Captcha: pick all the squares with worms

Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait

Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n

Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?

9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.

When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…

You’re probably into some shady shit!

i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me

[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”

My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.

Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.

Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”

They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.

9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again

Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice

I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.

When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.

Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.

me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert

waiter: that’s mousse, sir

me: hmm, that’ll be too much

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19

-Prime Minister

“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”

If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.