Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
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The internet is magic sometimes.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Grandpa
I told my husband not to get me anything for our anniversary. You don’t think he won’t get me anything, do you?
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
You have an IOS update.
Remind me later?
Install tonight?
Why not now?
Do you have commitment issues?
This might be why you’re alone.
I’ve always wanted to walk into a large room and be the most beautiful woman in there. But I’m scared of Walmarts 🙁
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..