thank god
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me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Science memes
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes