Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
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Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Look guys if The NY Times wanted to be serious journalism they wouldn’t have pivoted so hard into cooking and games, ok?
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man
I’d love this…lol
