Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember

It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.

Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.

Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…

… free of charge.

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.

me: you look thinner

friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh

me: meat

friend: what

me: what

Spanish Government: Anything further to report?

Shakira: No.

Shakira’s hips: YES!

*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.

[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”

When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.

For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.

They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

*speed dating*

I’m a competitive eater!

Date: Are you any good?

[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask

I hate to brag but I’ve been the biggest mistake of numerous people’s lives.

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!

Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?

This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.

Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.

If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.