Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

my 15 yo doesn’t understand why he gets diarrhea after he eats only Pepperoni sandwiches, ramen noodles and 37 pizza bagels every day. It’s a real damn mystery.

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath

[God inventing snakes]

What about a scarf that could kill you?

I was eating sour haribo sweets at the movies one time and I rubbed my eyes and my mates have teased me for years about “crying” over a fucking Avengers movie

Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in

Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.

The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?

scared to check what name she chose

Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.

Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.

Me: Oh, they’re not with me.

I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit

As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat

Never be a pizza!

Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.

You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.

Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach

I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.

taking one edible and remembering my high school locker combination then taking a second edible and forgetting how to multiply by six

Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?

Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!

we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.