Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
You Might Also Like
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.