Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries

What an insane day. Still can’t believe I tried cauliflower pasta for the first time.

MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.

Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest

Nobody:

Me: An investigator

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?

Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..

“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”

Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:

I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller

She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.

“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.

When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.

I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?

*Being murdered in bed*

Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??

Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*

A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

son: *counts to ten*

wife: good job

me: (smugly) eleven

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people

boss: you’re not on mute

me: i know.

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.

Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.

Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?

YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.

Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people

Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”