Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!

My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer

I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.

me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.

My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire

I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?

If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.

Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who

a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.

how long have you had this for?

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

People on Facebook be like “can anyone tell me about a thing I can easily Google myself?”

I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still

Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale

You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check

Big Sex has us all fooled

“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”

“Yeah….so is a grenade”

Disney movies taught me there’s nothing I can’t accomplish as long as my parents die a brutal untimely death.

{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.

1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse

I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

Sorry, I’m afraid “Hillbilly Elegy” has 62 holds on it. What that means is 62 other people will need to not read it before you get the chance to check it out and not read it.

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.