Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer

Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.

[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again

Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.

If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.

My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”

Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket

I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.

barista calling out order: Gee Off

Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago

barista: nice try, Gee Off

[Anteater eats some termites]

[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”

Brie: France
Feta: Greece
Jack: top of the beanstalk

Please. My avocado. It is so sad.

Me: I hate working from home.

Also me: I hate working from work.

I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.

Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week

Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

Does this thing get good gas mileage?

-my husband being kidnapped

I can’t wait!

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?

Me: Probably… Saskatchewan

Them: …

Me: or Worcestershire

*Victorian letters to Santa*

My dearest Santa,

I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.

*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*

I would like an orange.

Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.

“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.