thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
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not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Just asked my husband if he wants to have sex. He said no and went back to his puzzle. Good to know I sill got “it”.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.