Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
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Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
Husband praying mantis: I have a headache
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
I love visiting my parents cause then we get to argue about why it’s not ok to give my kids ketchup that’s 2 years expired.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”