Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You got this…

I think I would make a good private detective. I have some vinyl records in the garage someplace and a crushing alcohol addiction.

My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.

Me: …Dad, this is a card game.

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.

me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?

My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack

Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am

ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite

WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog

look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did

If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.

Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

*gets down on one knee*

Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.