Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
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[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Raisins are grape jerky.
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I thinking about becoming a cop. Well, not really a cop but a quirky outsider like on TV who shows up at crime scenes and points out all the clues that experienced detectives missed
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear