Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
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Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
I saw a car with a flat tire so I offered to help. She tells me to hurry cause she has a hair appoinment..This is how serial killers r born
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I feel it
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Lmao the reply
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story