Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
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I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
when i was 20 my grandma made me a homemade rhino costume. no costume party no nothin i just wore it to work
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”