Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
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I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
My Sentiments Exactly
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
Nervous around the person you like? Sue them. They’ll be forced to see you in court, well dressed & in control. Let the law be your wingman.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
HOW DARE YOU
