Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
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The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
“Kids, it’s time to choose, more berries or a bed to sleep in?”
“MORE BERRIES!”
If you need time alone, just announce that you need help cleaning the cats litter box.
Well that tweet went over like a tuna fish milkshake.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
yes hello I’d like to exchange my generational trauma for generational wealth please
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
I think this jacket they gave me at this psychiatric facility is gay but everyone keeps telling me it’s straight.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
the nicest, mildest woman in the office is on a teams call and has just chuckled and said “you know, i could go off. i could go off. you wouldn’t like it, but i could go off” and i’ve never been more scared in my life. i want her to go off
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
robber: alright this is a robbery
dad: no this is a bank
robber: damnit dad not now
