Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
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Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
Not trying to brag but this cop says my rear end is smoking
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.
Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school