Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
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I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Spoiler Alert: I was late
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Cookie Monster first year: Cookie Rookie
Cookie Monster skip school: Cookie Hookie
Cookie Monster be sad: Cookie Sookie
Cookie Monster has a poo: Cookie Dookie
Cookie Monster does a sex: Cookie Nookie
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”