Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?

In honor of A REAL PAIN hitting theaters, one of my favorite Jesse Eisenberg anecdotes

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”

*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*

*dies*

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!

Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea

I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

HIM: Are you mad at me?

ME: No.

HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.

ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.

Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.

Me: I miss traffic and people

Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS

“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch

“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?

It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.

My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.

Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.

Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly

My 4-year-old:

Me:

4-year-old: You’re spilling.

If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.

If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.

Australia’s reputation for dangerous wildlife is exaggerated.

Statistics show that 43% of Australians actually escape being eaten and survive to adulthood.

[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.

Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is

(Adobe CEO’s house)

Like the new couch hun?

Update it.

What about the wallpap…

UPDATE IT ALL.

You’re scaring the ki…

UPDATE THEM TOO…

my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…