Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

NASA: The moon is wobbling.

Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.

Time Traveler: “What year is it?”

Me: “2020”

Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”

Me

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

we did it you guys we saved daylight

3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena

Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER

Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to

For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31

WEAR CLOTHES OTHERS DARE NOT.

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by

I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.

When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”

“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.

*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis

The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.

a fate I wish upon no one