thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
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RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
“What is that the trees outside in the wind?”
– Me in bed, wondering what the sound of my dry crusty feet on my sheets is
Working at the bank is:
10% bank transactions
87% helping clients reset their password
40% typing numbers without looking
23% accuracy
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
you could not pay me to delete this app
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
At least I can say I tried. I didn’t try, but I can say I did.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.