Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass
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How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
“Sorry, I can’t work today due to the snow”
“But… we work from home anyway?”
“Yeah, sorry, the snow’s really bad here”
“But we have a Zoom call in…”
“I know, sorry. Hopefully it’ll clear up by tomorrow!”
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.