Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”

-an obituary

Even in my early 20’s, I was diagnosed with late stage 40’s.

8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion

[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]

Me: it’s a little cold 😤

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough

A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.

first time at Hobby Lobby:

hello I’d like one hobby please

Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me

Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.

Pickpocketed in London by a quite old man. Saw him whip my purse out of the side pocket of my bag. Was a nice purse I bought in Paris but swings and roundabouts – I use it to store my emergency travel tampons.
Have fun, tea leaf granda! Hope you only have a light to medium flow x

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my Imagine Asian.

Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today

Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace

Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:

– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us