Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass
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If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
blocked.
My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.