Thank god I grew up with stuffing because if I’d never heard of it before and someone showed up to my house as an adult with wet bread and celery casserole my first instinct would be to beat their ass
You Might Also Like
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Being in your 30s is kinda like do I have Covid or is this just the way my body feels now
The most difficult thing you’ll do as a parent is not rearrange the ornaments after the kids put them on the tree.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Publisher handing my horror novel back to me with shaking hands: you need to lose the pop-ups
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing