thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have
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[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
#Caturday
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
There is a house I drive by most days and I can never tell if they are having a yard sale or that is just how they live.
There’s no such thing as Sasquatch
Those are just men who live with shedding cats
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
Sorry not sorry.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.
Be the reason someone burns sage.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous