thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have
You Might Also Like
As the Lord intended
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
Me: one admission please
Movie Theater Attendant: sometimes I wear my wife’s shoes when she’s not home
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
the short answer to this question
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG