Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
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I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
Luigi Mangione sounds like a made up Italian name, but then again, my name is Michael Primavera.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Mapping America’s Far Right
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Can you imagine… an archeologist… sweeping their house… with that tiny little broom
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’