Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
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Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
life coach: be the best version of yourself
me: I am
life coach: hahaha wait are you serious
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
Real 😅
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.