Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
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[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
So much security depends on computers never figuring out what a bus looks like
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough