Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
You Might Also Like
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Any refunds available?…
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs