Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Astronauts are cowards, why don’t you stay down here and face earth’s problems like a man

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field

Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.

I think about that a lot.

Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about

Girlfriend: Are you crying?

Me: It’s a wedding episode…

Gf: But you don’t even like this show

Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭

Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

Therapist: Are you still obsessively using emoji descriptions to talk?

Me: Mad devil

Therapist: You have to stop

Me: Crying cat

Therapist: No

Me:

Therapist: Very good

Me: Dancing lady

When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.

If we start dating now, we could be feeding each other deviled eggs on Thanksgiving, and breaking up before we have to exchange gifts for Christmas.

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.

she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October

In order to catch herpes…

You need to think like a herpe.

I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.

‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂

I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.

I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.

Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral

“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.

[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go

Wife got peanut butter M&M’s and mint M&M’s and mixed them in the same bowl because she’s not interested in making this relationship work.

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me: