Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

I have a midnight snack in the middle of my day, which tells you more than you need to know about my sleep schedule.

I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.

me: 11 can you come here

11: am i in trouble?

me: …no…but…should you be?

11: no.

me: sus.

I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.

Me: I got a new car!

Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?

Me: It’s red.

Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–

Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700

A closed mouth gathers no fries.

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.

CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.

FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.

Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.

HELP 😭

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

I like when people name their kids after the state they were conceived in. Might do the same and name my next kid Crippling Anxiety

When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.

No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.

Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

Him: Are you perioding?

Me: Are you deathwishing?

Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney