Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
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Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
I hope google does well on my son’s test
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
They are adding commercials to Netflix so GenZ will finally understand and appreciate our struggle
I bet the worst part about being a birthday cake is when you’re set on fire, and then eaten by the hero that saved you.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
want me to check your oil?
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
If you’re ever worried about what people think, just remember that people once thought smoking cured asthma. People are dumb.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”