Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
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Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
Him: I really like the asmr videos with the chiropractors. I watch them every night
Me: So you’re a crack addict
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
School be like
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples