Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
You Might Also Like
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.