Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.

When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.

*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.

WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER

If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

My doctor sucks. Didn’t even kiss it better.

Smile Twitter, Smile.

Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”

I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.

😭😭

Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.

When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard

ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor

FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?

ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street

Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair

When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.

i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?

Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.

it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*

Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,