Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Try this chocolate chip.

3 year-old: Okay!

[gives him coffee bean]

3: UGH, YUCK!

-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.

*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!

Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.

Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?

Me: Jake, at State Farm.

Your Czech is in the mail.

-Mail order brides

My boyfriend’s bike was stolen out of our backyard today. It was meticulously locked up around our fence, so you might ask me “Kaitlin, if it was so meticulously locked up on the fence they how did they steal it?”

That is because they also stole the fence.

*at interview*

Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions

Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™

triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.

I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.

You got this…

My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same

Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.

I spilled the beans.

According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.

Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..

last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anyway

next year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.

I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.

Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither

Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

Attention children:

Mom is closed.

“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”