Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
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“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.