Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
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Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Hungover parenting is like being in an Alien movie. You’re scared because there are fast moving creatures all around you, and you really don’t want them to jump on you.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
Hot wings have killed many people starting with a dude named Icarus.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
Free him
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
I sing this with my entire soul to anyone within earshot. I truly believe, in my heart of hearts, that anything that is broken can always be mended.
-The inventor of duct tape, probably
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.