Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
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A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Second person to try hang gliding: Wow thanks for letting me be the first person to try this
Inventor: Suuure
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
Well well well, if isn’t the girl who gave me cooties in third grade…
Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.