Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
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That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Digging my own grave bc I GOTTA DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
[very obviously being hit on]
hahaha ok well, see you around[4 days later, cutting open a cantaloupe]
wait a second
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.