Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
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Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Take care of yourself so you can better turn the tables on any serial killer type situation, should it arise.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
They should build a separate grocery store for people who have actually purchased food before, know how to push a cart, and possess at least an ounce of spatial awareness.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Happy #NationalCrocDay to all the lovers and haters.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.