Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.

10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.

One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO

Welcome to your 40s.

If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.

I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers

…until I’m driving.

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot

Couldn’t look worse today.

Time to run into an ex…

Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.

Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing

Obama: Carter is still alive

Biden: He doesn’t know that

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)

2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.

You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.

How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong

My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die

“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”

“HR? You don’t have a job.”

“Tell them that.”

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm

I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.

I found a message in a bottle. It said:

“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”

OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]

You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.

Person: It’s not rocket science.

Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.