thank god the sign was there
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You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
[Year 2090]
A teenager unwraps a birthday present
“What is this thing grandpa?”
“That’s called a book”
“What’s it do?”
“It fixes idiots”
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
79.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit