thank god the sign was there
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Okay, kids, listen carefully cause I’m only going to say this 175,276 more times.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
2nd day of the kickstarter…thank u for such an amazing day yesterday….. i love you
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”