thank god the sign was there
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ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
Girls don’t like boys, girls like when rabbits yawn & look like they are yelling.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days