Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
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prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back