Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
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I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
uh oh
Friend: When did you fall in love with your husband?
Me: When he called it, “Wash your sister sauce.”
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
So we got a goldfish…
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
Flowers bee like
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)