Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*

I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!

*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*

[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”

Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

Me: Alexa, make me a drink.

Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.

All those years of karate training wasted …

I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….

You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums

I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.

Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”

I thought a man was in my house.

Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.

Amazon prime in the future:

Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow

Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?

Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?

“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there

If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth

Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut

Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?

Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”

I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.

Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”

I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.

Obi-wan: You look different.

Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.

Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.

*cop pulls me over*
“blow into this please sir”
“whyy dont you blow on THIS officer!?”
*i hand him a flute & he plays it beautifully*

BOSS: Don’t just stand there.

ME: Bust a move?

BOSS: What?

ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.

Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore

I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.