How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
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Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us
Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
<in bed>
<hears ice maker>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered!<hears a/c come on>
OMG! I’m going to get murdered<dog barks at door>
STFU!
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Thoughts
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Wife: *looking through my yearbook* you have the exact same haircut
Me: well I use a bigger bowl now
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.