@Yes_ImAmy

Thank god we don’t have thought bubbles above our heads. I’d be in trouble 99% of the time.

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@VaguelyFunnyDan

When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.

@Spaced_Cowboy00

If you’re careful, you can eat an entire rack of ribs while taking a shower.

@Feel_Dont_Speak

A friend will invite you for beers
A good friend will pick up the tab
A best friend will hold your hair

All three will have blackmail pics

@_ElvishPresley_

*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*

*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*

@RobElliottComic

Say “Literally” and “Legit” a few more times in that sentence so I know it’s literally legit

@DurtMcHurtt

According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.

@Cheeseboy22

After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”

@daddydoubts

Me: you want french toast for breakfast?

Toddler: yes.

Me: manners?

Toddler: no thank you.

@SuperShourds

My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Waiter: *sets down check*

Me: my treat

Her: thank you so much

Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what