@Yes_ImAmy

Thank god we don’t have thought bubbles above our heads. I’d be in trouble 99% of the time.

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@LoveNLunchmeat

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

@BestWorstAdvice

If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t comeback, tell everyone she has herpes.

@BoogTweets

*Getting pulled over*

Me: I knew we should have Uber’d

My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool

@Tobi_Is_Fab

My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.

There is no Hotdog Bell here.

I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.

@kerouac741

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

@daddydoubts

Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.

@FabMommy29

Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.