@Yes_ImAmy

Thank god we don’t have thought bubbles above our heads. I’d be in trouble 99% of the time.

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@murrman5

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

@ch000ch

[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong

@Jake_Vig

The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.

@kevinrowe1

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

@daemonic3

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

@samthe8th

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

@erikbransteen

Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.

The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.

@mortimermaiden

The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

@MaraWilson

High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway