When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Thank god we don’t have thought bubbles above our heads. I’d be in trouble 99% of the time.
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If you’re careful, you can eat an entire rack of ribs while taking a shower.
A friend will invite you for beers
A good friend will pick up the tab
A best friend will hold your hair
All three will have blackmail pics
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Say “Literally” and “Legit” a few more times in that sentence so I know it’s literally legit
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: no thank you.
My 4 year told me my tummy looks soft and squishy today, so I put her barbies on the highest shelf on the house.
Waiter: *sets down check*
Me: my treat
Her: thank you so much
Me: *grabbing mint on check* for what