My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Thank god we don’t have thought bubbles above our heads. I’d be in trouble 99% of the time.
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I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
If you love something, let it go. If it doesn’t comeback, tell everyone she has herpes.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Thank you.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.