[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Thank god we don’t have thought bubbles above our heads. I’d be in trouble 99% of the time.
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[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway