Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.

Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!

DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.

Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*

It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away

Safety Announcement: Please stop texting, playing games, making phone calls or filming videos for social media when taking off or landing. You already have enough to do as a pilot.

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?

live footage of daylight savings taking the sun away at 4pm

I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.

What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?

Alcohol?

I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

JUDAS: any weekend plans?

JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided

JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both

JESUS: what?

JUDAS: what?

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday

Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT

–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady

Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one

Current mood: Potato

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.